Mentored by GOD
Mentored by GOD
“If you don’t believe in yourself,
just believe in me for now.
Do you trust me? Yes?
Then believe me until you can believe it for yourself.”
These are mantras and coachings I have drilled into the heads of my mentees over the past decade.
Reminding them to bet on themselves.
Reminding them to have Faith.
Reminding them that though they may not be able to see the path clearly laid out in front of them, the formula of hard work + faith will not lead them astray.
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I lived out West in Boise, Idaho for many years and as a New York City girl who grew up in a city that never sleeps, I grew up accustomed to always being able to SEE. In fact when my brother and I were kids my Mother trained us to use the street lights as a means of telling time. She would say “When you see them street lights come on you know it’s time to bring your behind in this house!” #BlackMamas
However when I moved to Boise one of the first things I noticed was that it was quiet…and even more scary to me, at night, it was dark. There were not many street lights, no loud and bright police sirens, no bounce back of light in the sky from nearby Times Square. Just darkness. It rocked me so hard that for the first couple months of living in Idaho I found it hard to fall asleep.
It was too quiet.
It was too dark.
I bought and owned my very first car while living in Boise — a 2006 Silver Ford Focus — and chiiiiiiiiild, you couldn’t tell me nothing! When I had my car I felt fiercely free and independent and there weren’t many places I was afraid to go. One night I was driving on a road that I had never driven before. I was outside of the city of Boise where street lights definitely don’t exist and it was DARK. I had a sense of how to get home from where I was but I didn’t know exactly where I was going. (I know, I know… you’re probably about to ask “Chanel, why didn’t you just use the GPS on your phone?” Well in 2009 Google Maps hadn’t yet made it to the iPhone AND I still had an old school flip phone until 2010 sooooo yeah. Don’t judge me.)
While driving along this road I realized that
1) I was the only car on the road. There was no one in front of me and no one behind me. Just me, the open road, and darkness.
2) I hadn’t seen a sign for awhile that said “Boise, THIS WAY” or “Boise, 15 miles” There had been no road signs for what seemed like an eternity.
I felt the fear of the unknown start to consume me — thickening the air in my car and threatening to suffocate me. That new found confidence that I had, it evaporated almost immediately and left me questioning every single choice that I made that day.
“Why did you even leave the house today?”
“Who do you think you are driving this far by yourself?”
“Is it too late to turn back?
“I don’t know why I thought I could do this…”
“This is why you should just stick to what you know, Chanel!”
The chatter was so loud that I almost hit the brakes to pull over on the side of the road and call someone on my flip phone for help — but then I heard a voice say
“You are going the right way.
Trust me. Just keep going forward.”
Now — I don’t hear God speak to me often.
But when God does speak to me,
It is clear.
It is affirmative.
It is without confusion.
I heard God. And though my heart was still racing with fear, I proceeded forward. I realized that I was driving a bit slower now — cautious about every curve in the road because I couldn’t see around the corners — searching for any familiar landmark that might trigger my photographic memory to let me know I was going in the right direction — repeatedly checking the clock in my car to see what time it was and replaying in my head that old school TV commercial we’d hear as kids every night in NYC “It’s 10pm. Do you know where your children are?” wondering if something terrible happened if anyone would be able to find me. But all the while, I kept moving forward.
Soon, way off in the distance, I caught a quick and fleeting glimmer of something that had bounced back the reflection of my headlights. I was still too far away to see exactly what it was, but I’ll never forget the instantaneous feeling that I felt just knowing that something — an affirmation, a landmark, a milestone, a reminder — was on its way to ground me in the truth of what God had already promised me. Though I still had no tangible idea of what that glimmer off in the distance actually was, I could already feel the suffocating fear of the unknown lessening by the minute. In the place where my crippling fear once stood, now stood a mustard seed of courage.
And underneath that courage was hope.
And underneath that hope was trust.
And underneath that trust… was faith.
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This journey of entrepreneurship/betting on yourself is not for the faint of heart.
It is lonely. It is trying.
It is revealing. It is frightening.
It is not without doubts.
And though I have bet on myself many times in this lifetime — when I was 16 years old and, against the wishes of my mother, pursued a career in the arts — when I was 22 years old and this Black girl from East New York Brooklyn moved to Boise, Idaho — when I was 29 years old and founded an arts non-profit organization focused specifically on diversity and equity in a predominantly white dance industry — when I was 33 years old and quit a stable and financially secure dance education job in the NYCDOE to pursue my career as a choreographer — each time I still have to remind myself to trust the divine guidance and mentorship of GOD.
Have faith, Chanel; that you are headed in the right direction (cue that timeless India Arie song) even when it’s DARK, when you can barely see the road ahead of you, and when the signs of affirmation on the side of the road are few and far in between.
Have faith, Chanel; that even though you are alone, you are not by yourself… for GOD and your ancestors stand firmly at your back.
Have faith, Chanel; that your greatest rewards in life have always been on the other side of the unknown.
If you must, yes, slow down and proceed with caution when needed, but do not stop moving forward. Have faith that you will make it, Chanel.
